Am I really cut out for this?

Yes, I mean motherhood! I know - a little too late for that right? My best friend growing up just adopted the most beautiful little baby girl and she wrote about how all the worries of being a mom kinda caught her off-guard - I stole a bit of it Lara, hope you don't mind

Hello, Worry.

I heard you were coming and I've been expecting you. Do you have any bags? Oh, of course not, the moving van will be here tomorrow with all your permanent things. This isn't just a visit. This is forever. Well, come on in. You might as well make yourself comfortable.

Are you sure you won't leave after a year or two? Not even after eighteen years? Guess not, huh. This is forever. Well, then, we might as well get started.

So then she goes to list all the worries that moms deal with. I loved that post Lara! Anyways, so the past few days I've really been thinking if I really am qualified for this job. (my baby is suddenly kicking the heck out of my ribs - it must be able to read my thoughts and is now trying to escape!)

It all started on Friday, I was driving down a busy highway by my house with Logan in his car seat directly behind me. I was just thinking to myself that I hadn't been in traffic that bad in a long time when I hear these horrible choking sounds coming from the back seat and I realize that, Oh my gosh my son is choking!!!! I am in the middle lane with no way out going 70 miles an hour. I franticly search for a median and of course there is nothing on either side of the road! If I'm going to stop it's going to have to be in the dead center of the lane! But then I'd probably cause a huge pileup and who knows if we'd be any better off. Then in just that split second a small gap opens up and I'm able to get in the far right lane and I realize that if I get in the right hand turn lane I will have a second to get out of my car. I pull up with three cars in front of me, slam the car into park and flew out of my seat into the road to get Logan out. Someone saw me and asked if I was okay and I just yelled, "my son is choking!!!" By this point he starts screaming - Answer to my prayers - that I hadn't even had a chance to utter yet, and I realize that he is at least breathing. As I am still franticly trying to get him unstrapped from those impossible 5-point harnesses, he keeps trying to throw up. By this point the light has turned green and I am blocking traffic, but everyone could see I was in trouble and no one honked or got impatient. Thanks to all of you strangers who patiently waited for me to buckle my screaming son back up so that I could pull around the corner to a safer spot to stop. So I get off the highway, pull Logan out and sat and hugged him on the curb for a good 5 minutes as cars sped past me. I'm not sure who it scared more, me or Logan. When I had left the house, I knew we were going to be driving for a good hour or more so I gave Logan a little bag of fishy crackers. I mean, the kid has a full set of teeth and those things dissolve instantly - thank goodness.
When I got back on the highway I called Max to say we were going to be 10 minutes late and instantly lost all control and started bawling as I told him what had happened. How would I ever survive the loss of a child? Especially if it could have been prevented. So then I think, well, no more food in the car ever, but how realistic is that? I guess if I tried to protect my kids from everything that could potentially harm them, they'd live in a bubble and still probably figure out a way to hurt themselves. Being a mother is just too frightning sometimes!
Then as I keep thinking of all those scary moments I realize it's been a year since Rachel came around the corner of my bathroom with blood dripping out of her eye. Logan had stabbed her in the eye with a ball point pen. There was actually a hole in her eye! Another terrifying moment as a mom! But do I still have pens in my house? Yes! Some might say I haven't learned anything, but what fun would life be for my kids if I was too protective? So where do you find the balance between being safe and being too protective? Like I said, maybe I'm just not cut out for it.
I do have to say that I love my children and husband more than anything else in this world! I would give my life for them. I guess that's maybe what being a mom is all about, giving your entire life for those you love. I know my mom gave that and more to all 9 of us kids, how grateful I am for her. I can't even imagine the fear and pain she went through as she watched me get ran over by a truck at the age of four, and not being able to stop it. I'm sorry for all the times I must have scared you to death mom! I now know how it feels!
So anyways, now that I have had a wonderful mothers day and have tucked my children into bed, I want to say happy mothers day to all you wonderful mothers out there. I guess even with all the worry and guilt and fear that follow me around all day, it is still the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Thank you to Max and my Heavenly Father for blessing me with children and blessing me with a wonderful mom, and mother-in-law. I am truly so blessed!